Chapter 15

With a radio playing in the background and cascades of water flowing down his back, Peter washed himself while singing under the shower. The second shower today, the first by himself. The days were quite hot in summer, noticeably hotter in the western suburbs where he lived. His mind was lost in the role of the lead character in his new novel.

The afternoon was getting on; his loins bore the evidence of his excitement. He contemplated his first murder in real life. The thrill overcame him. His mind floated into singing and then back into his character, cool, calm and controlled. The day had arrived; a day, which would fully launch him into a world that before today, was just fantasy.

The shower stopped. He reached for his towel hanging on the side of the shower wall. Wiping himself, he stepped out of the shower onto the cool tiled floor. His torso in the mirror showed the wet hairs on his chest lying flat. Surveying his image he ran the towel over his thinning grey hair and he smiled to himself. With deodorant sprayed under his arms and an aftershave splashed moderately on his face and chest, he smelled fresh. Both the deodorant and aftershave were of a different brand to his usual ones.

Walking to his bedroom down the hall he felt so clean. Not often did he have the luxury of two showers in a day, and today he knew this wouldn�t be his last. He dressed slowly in some new clothes he had bought for the occasion, a new jacket and shoes. It was expensive this passion of his, yet so were other passions people had. He was a new man. Nothing was the same. And nothing was traceable. His only concern was that his wife might be onto him, yet she had never done anything about Joanne, so why should she bother disturbing him now.

He walked to his study fully dressed and picked up his new manuscript. Everything was going as planned. He had a mission. There was no difference in real life. He�d killed in his mind, and before he had left the woman was already dead. It was such a perfect indiscriminate murder.

*******

Tracy was walking down the main street of The Cross. She hadn�t noticed anyone as she walked, for she was off in a world of her own. She was upset with Tony, yet more upset at not knowing what was wrong. Her feet stepped as if by habit, her path not planned, her mind numb.

" Tracy!"

Tracy looked up, and through a haze of heaviness she saw Slater. He also looked as though he had been through something tough too. He looked a sorry sight in a dirty crumpled shirt, and walking with slumped shoulders.

"Hi " she replied.

"What are you up to?" Slater asked.

"Nothing really " she said, her head bowed looking at her feet.

"Want to get a coke from McDonalds?" Slater suggested as an opportunity to sit down. . He smiled encouragingly at her.

"That sounds pretty good to me." Tracy was glad to have company and was worried about Slater�s condition. "You look pretty whacked this morning man."

"Yeah, I just had some smack." Slater confessed. His eyes seemed focused somewhere else and his explanation was convincing enough.

They walked in silence. Tracy seemed to brighten up. It was silly worrying about Tony. She knew he cared for her. Slater looked more in need of her listening ears at the moment. They entered McDonalds, and young lass attended them.

Tracy first sat down at a table for four. She moved an empty tray to the next table and began to sip her coke. Slater didn�t look very well. Heroin was a very strong drug and it seemed to be having a greater effect on Slater than Sharon or Joanne. Silence hung in the air for a moment, temporarily disturbed by a girl cleaning the table next to them. She removed the tray Tracy had placed there.

"I�m feeling pretty sick Tracy " Slater said suddenly.

"You�re looking pretty sick, I must admit, " she said, grabbing his hands. "I�ve never known you to take heroin."

"I never have, but I needed something to take my mind off things." He paused...I�ve been a witness to something horrific. A crime that�s absolutely the worst I�ve ever seen. But I know I can�t report it because I could end up dead."

Tracy sipped her coke. She had learned to shut up since this morning. She could see the hurt in his eyes; the mental anguish he was under. She thought it might be that Cyril guy. She couldn�t be sure. She rose and picked up a first edition afternoon paper. The headline on the front page jumped out at her. Detective at a loss about �gruesome murder victim� found in China Town. "Look at this!" she said to Slater, changing the subject. As his eyes fell on the headline his legs seemed to immediately react. He stood to his feet and ran to the toilet. Tracy watched him running and was angry with herself. Couldn�t she do anything right?

*******

Tony had drifted off to sleep again and was comfortably sleeping when the phone rang. He dragged himself up and answered it, awake again. " Hello"

"Hi it�s Joanne, how are you?"

"Good " Tony said.

"How did everything go this morning?"

"Great. Sharon is my temporary guardian. We�re going to look for a school for me to go to next term."

"That�s good isn�t it?"

"Yes." Tony replied.

"Is Sharon there?"

"No. She left with me after the meeting, but she ran back to meet that guy that was sitting with the cop last night at the restaurant. His name�s Dave apparently. She wanted to ask him some questions or something."

"Do you know when she�ll be back?"

"I don�t know, she just ran off to meet him."

"Okay. Thanks anyway. Oh have you seen Tracy this afternoon?"

"Yeah, we had a tiff. She was pretty upset after I told her to leave."

"Serious?"

"No, I was just upset. I didn�t want to worry her that�s all. She�d kept on asking me what was the matter and I told her it would be best for her to leave. Tell her I�m sorry will you, if you see her."

"Okay Tony. Can you tell Sharon or Tracy to give me a call if you see either of them?" "Alright" Tony answered.

"Thanks, see you later."

The phone went dead. Tony went to the fridge and poured himself a drink of apple juice. He grabbed some tinned fruit from the cupboard, some custard from the fridge and on emptying both into a bowl, he sat down to eat.

*******

The mood had lightened. Conversation flowed easily. Dave and Mike were discussing plans for the project, which was the purpose of the lunch appointment. The projects requirements were being discussed, and suggestions being sorted through. The two girls meanwhile were talking.

"So when do you think you�ll get married?"

"I don�t know. We haven�t set a date yet. It still hasn�t sunk in. I mean, I�ve only been seeing him for a few days. He proposed this morning over breakfast. I just can�t believe it." Loran confessed.

"You really are in love with him though," Sharon said and asked at the same time.

"Yes I adore him." She smiled paused and then continued. "I�ve liked him for years really ever since we first met". Sharon looked quite relaxed leaning on her two cupped hands, her elbows on the table. "I first met him at the beach. Then a year later he was going out with a friend of mine. She couldn�t trust him. She constantly thought he was playing up."

"I know he told me, " Sharon said.

"What do you mean he told you?"

Sharon looked slightly embarrassed. Her face reddened a little then after a brief pause, she answered. "Clients of mine often talk about their girlfriends or their wives. Things that are troubling them. He explained he�d broken up with a girl who was always accusing him. He felt in some way that it was his fault but I re-assured him that it was the girl�s lack of self-esteem. That must have been your friend that he was talking about."

"Strange, you�d think they would only have one thing on their mind if they had you naked." Loran laughed.

"Why, is that all you do when you�re together?"

"No we talk." Loran said, wondering why Sharon had taken this tack.

"Well you�re right, most guys really only want to rip my clothes off and screw me. I don�t really blame them, that�s what they pay for. Though there are quite a few where sex seems to be secondary. Some of them just want to get things off their chest and use you as a sounding board. They mightn�t be able to communicate with the woman in their life and so get another woman�s opinion. Mike was like that. Sure we had sex. I found him to be considerate, the type of guy I wish would propose to me."

The two guys had stopped talking momentarily and Mike heard Sharon�s last comment. He couldn�t help himself. "So you�d like to marry me too?" he joked.

Now Sharon was really embarrassed. She fell silent. Loran saw this and chimed in. "Every girl I know would like to get their hands on you Mike."

Sharon excused herself. She walked over to the ladies toilet. Loran was in quick pursuit.

Mike looked at Dave and raised his arms as if to ask �what did I say?�

Dave smiled." Don�t worry Mate. It�s not your fault really. It�s difficult for Sharon to mix with other people. I must admit this particular meeting must�ve been embarrassing for her. I�m proud of her all the same. It can�t have been easy for her to come along with me, and I knew it, but I encouraged her anyway."

"It must be tough on her. I can understand. I was only joking really, you know that." Mike seemed upset with himself.

"It�s more than a joke to her. It�s her life. The three of us will get up from this table and live fairly normal lives. She has to leave this table and return to another lot of guys sleeping with her and her daily heroin injections. She is stuck in a dark hole where there seems to be just a faint speck of light, of hope. That little bit of light seems have been lit by me sharing my past. She�ll endure all of this in the hope that the light will get a little brighter."

Loran reached Sharon in the ladies. Sharon was wiping her eyes with a tissue. She looked up as Loran entered and then looked away again. Loran went over and put her arm around her.

"I can�t handle it anymore. I�ve had enough. I just can�t do this."

Loran checked what she was going to say. "I don�t understand how you feel Sharon. I can�t relate to your life. I can tell you something though. Dave is a gentle, considerate and understanding guy. He would probably understand you with his past. We are just friends of his. I�m sorry if Mike or myself have hurt you. It certainly wasn�t our intention."

"I know" Sharon said quietly under a couple of sniffs.

"We accept that you are with Dave because he offers a little hope. We will leave you two alone if that�s easier."

"No", it�s okay.

"Come on then let�s go back."

The two girls returned to the table. Sharon was quite for the remainder of the lunch. Both men wrapped up their business fairly quickly then parted company, leaving Dave and Sharon at the entrance to the restaurant.

They began walking to Dave�s apartment, chatting lightly on the way. Within minutes they were in a lift going up from the foyer to his apartment. The lift�s bell rang, signalling that they had reached the desired floor. Taking a deep breath Sharon stepped into the corridor to wait while Dave opened his door. As he unlocked it, he held it open for her to enter first.

Little things like that impressed Sharon. A man opening a door, a man picking up a bill, like Dave had. Not making a big deal. The first thought that entered her mind was that she could smell brewed coffee.

"Is that some fresh coffee that�s just been brewed." Sharon asked.

"Yep" Dave replied.

"How did you know when you�d be home?" Sharon asked while glancing around his apartment.

"Oh I�m getting pretty good at estimating."

"What sort of coffee is it?" Sharon enquired as she took the seat that Dave indicated.

"Oh, just one of my own blended recipes. This one has quite a few Brazilian beans, with a touch of Malaysian coffee. Do you like coffee?"

"Yeah I do, yet I haven�t got to the stage of blending and brewing my own. I guess I�m too lazy."

"I�m sure your lifestyle keeps you busy enough, let alone going to all the fuss of blending coffee beans every couple of weeks."

"I suppose that�s right." Sharon agreed; bowing her head a little as a child would when scolded.

Dave saw the reaction he had caused with his statement knowing too well the shame she felt with her lifestyle. He knew better then to apologise for his statement of her lifestyle and yet, pretending she wasn�t a prostitute by burying his head in the sand and ignoring it wasn�t the answer either. With a little thought, in a moment of silence, whilst he fixed a couple of coffees, Dave decided to confront the issue head on and establish some ground rules and boundaries, to give themselves space without embarrassment. "What do you take in your coffee?"

"Three sugars and a dash of milk thanks"

Laughing to himself he added the sugar to her coffee and brought it over with a selection of savoury biscuits.

"What�s so funny?" Sharon enquired seeing the remnants of a smile written on his face.

"I was just thinking what a sweet tooth you have." He continued, giving a prelude to the subject he was going to talk about. "I suppose the sugar addiction is because of the heroin. It probably has so much caster sugar mixed with it that you end up craving it as much as the heroin. Anyway that leads me to a few things. I want you to know first off, that I am quite comfortable with the fact that you are a prostitute.

Though I�m not altogether pleased or convinced that it�s what�s best for you, I recognise that it�s where you are at the moment and it�s fine with me. You�re a very attractive girl and perhaps quite a lot of guys you�ve seen have hurt you. I�ll probably hurt you too, with some things I say. Forgive me. It isn�t my intention.

In all relationships we can be hurt, whether we�re friends, lovers or family. I�m aware that you inject heroin just by looking at you. I know what it�s like to be dependent on something. For me it was alcohol. The fact is, that you�re are a prostitute and a junkie, with a head that�s pretty messed up. If you�re looking to me as a ray of hope, I hope I can provide you with what you need."

Sharon was silent, but her eyes showed she appreciated the tone of voice Dave had used. He sensed she was comfortable and so went on.

"You know there aren�t many books written about the predicament we find ourselves in, strung out on drugs. We lead a wayward sexual lifestyle, yet feel helpless and trapped. Some people would say there isn�t a God for surely no God would allow this pain and suffering on earth to continue. But, after I met Christine and saw her love and understanding, my views on God changed.

I believe we all have a spirit that lives within us. Each of us chooses our own path. We have a remote control. Your spirit is free to choose it�s own frequency. We can be evil; we can be loving and compassionate, or just middle of the road nice people. Yet in the end it�s we ourselves who decide what frequency we tune our spirits into. Am I making any sense? "

"I suppose. "Sharon said.

"What do you mean you suppose "

"Well, I know I�m the one that sleeps with the guys and I choose to do it, yet I don�t know of any other options. So does that make me tuned in to the evil side, or what?"

"Not really, but I understand your dilemma, and I�ve been there, believe me." Dave acknowledged. "I�ve been gay in my past but I�m pleased to say I�m not anymore. I was also an alcoholic who drank himself into oblivion every single day. I went to bed with a bottle and any guy that would have me. Most mornings I woke up depressed and with a hangover. It made me feel ill sleeping with guys yet, over time, I numbed that feeling.

"You know, I even began accepting myself for who I really was. I thought, well Dave you�re a homosexual, so stop nagging yourself with guilt and embrace the lifestyle."

"Well that�s what the media says doesn�t it? " Sharon enquired.

"Yeah, that�s right. You have a right to be who you are and express yourself in the manner in which you feel most comfortable, as long as it doesn�t offend others, or break the law."

Sharon grinned. " I suppose that makes it impossible for me to live in our society, doesn�t it? I mean my practise is offensive; the way I express myself affects others and I break the law with my daily habit."

"Yep, you�re illegal girl. And you�re just not being true to yourself." Dave almost shouted, pointing an accusing finger at her. As he said it, a smile painted his face taking a lot of the punch from the statement.

"You see, all this new age thinking has its limitations. The very rule that you live by is the rule that condemns you. It�s a law that has persisted throughout the centuries. If you say anything is okay as long as you feel comfortable, how or by what do you measure that comfort?

I was sleeping with men and in doing so my gay lifestyle repulsed man who were normal. My sexuality actually brought with it more rejection. Inside my bedroom, the sex, the sodomy turned my stomach and brought on more guilt. To cope with the guilt, the revulsion in my stomach and the rejection society had for me I drank. The more I drank, the harder I was to live with and slowly even my friends left me.

The cycle seems to go on and on while you look for the answer and a happy medium. I finally found a permanent partner and moved in with him. The drinking continued and so did my permanent hangover until my lover killed himself. He was having such a fine time, constantly high on what ever he could get his hands on until one day he killed himself. He left me alone with an emotional heartache that alcohol couldn�t touch.

One day I came across Christine. She was a relative of my partner and attended his funeral. After I had spoken at the funeral and was standing near his family, feeling left out,

Christine approached me. She introduced herself and showed genuine concern for me. A month or two later she came across me drowning my sorrows at the Bourbon and Beefsteak.

She offered me encouragement and gave me a book to read on homosexuality. Some Christians produced it. Out of respect for her I read it. It got me thinking, so I attended a service at her church at Brookvale. Just over a year ago I made the decision to become a Christian.

"What! That simple. You became a Christian and you changed?"

"No it wasn�t that simple Sharon. You know how hard it would be. I had to totally leave my lifestyle, my friends and everyone I knew. The church didn�t demand it, yet the counsellors that were helping me said it would be better." Dave said emotionally as he remembered. "It wasn�t easy Sharon. It wasn�t easy at all."

"But this Christian bit and this church helped you?"

Yes my new beliefs did help me. My belief in Christ led me into a new understanding of myself. He cared, and I could see how he had sent one of his own to help me. Her name was Christine. I saw Christ�s love in her. She was the first really genuine person I�d met, and let me cry on her shoulder.

"Are you saying she was God?"

"No. But she had God�s spirit in her. I can�t place it. It was in her eyes. They attracted me. It was a though I felt I could tell her anything and she would understand."

"That�s just like your eyes!" Sharon exclaimed.

"Really?"

"You make me feel you understand."

"Well, that�s why you�re here I suppose. That�s why I feel happy to talk to you. It�s not me. It�s my beliefs that attract you."

"So, did this Christ and Christine help you to become who you are?"

"A lot of things helped, masses of books I read, people at church, and Christine�s family. She sort of adopted me as a brother into both her own and her husband�s family. Mixing with straight guys helped enormously as the love and acceptance from them was what I had always needed from my own dad. It was an integral part of my change. The more blokes I mixed with, the faster I healed. Good-looking women, funnily enough, weren�t a cure. Just like getting married doesn�t stop you being homosexualy inclined."

"How long has it taken?"

"About fifteen months so far. I�m far from being perfect. I still have hurts that I�m dealing with. I still get tempted to pick up a drink once in a while, yet so far I�ve not given in."

Dave got up from his chair; his coffee finished, and went to the fridge. He took out some cheese, then a cheese knife from a cabinet above it and some biscuits before coming back to sit next to her.

"How come you can just be so honest with the way you say things. I mean you just came out with it this morning as though it didn�t even worry you? "

"I thought my background would help put you at ease and give you an idea why Christine felt it would be good for me to attend the meeting." Dave took the cheese knife, cut off couple of slices and placed them on some of the biscuits. He passed one to Sharon, leant back and crossed his legs, and took a bite. "Besides it is easy for me to talk about my past because that�s what it is. My past."

Sharon took a bite of her biscuit. The cheese was pleasant on her taste buds. "Mmm, this is nice. What sort of cheese is it?"

"It comes from a place called Tuscany, in the Mediterranean. They produce grapes there for their more famous wines and this cheese is a local favourite. I have some of that wine on my rack. The cheese will go well with it. Do you want some?"

"No I�ve got to work tonight?"

"Oh " he said. "I�m lucky; I�ve only got to make a couple of phone calls this afternoon. The business with Mike was my only real appointment today. I have a full day tomorrow."

"You lucky thing." Sharon looked into his eyes. On careful inspection they surprised her. There was something different about them. She could see pain in them, yet they also shone with a love, warm and inviting. Comfortable in his presence she became a little bolder with her questions.

"Are you attracted to women these days?" As she asked him she leant forward, her face inches from his.

Dave reached over and gave her a full kiss on her lips. He pulled back and left his face inches from hers again and smiled. " Does that answer your question? "

"Yep it sure does, " she smiled comfortable with what he had done." Does that mean you are attracted to me?"

"What do you want me to do this time?" Dave asked incredulously.

"I dunno" she said leaning forward and cutting off some more cheese. She placed it on some biscuits, then picked one up, leant towards him and placed it seductively on the tip of his tongue. " What do you want to do with me?" She asked smiling.

Dave stood up and went over to get another coffee. As he walked over to the kitchen bench Sharon noticed him pulling his pants around his crotch. After re-adjusting himself he turned to her and said. "The male in me wants to come over and kiss you again. He wants to take you in his arms and hold you and make love to you. Yet... he paused..."

"Yet what? "

"Yet the Christian in me says no. The counsellor in me says no. You don�t need sex from me, you need love. The more loving thing for me to do is to help you through your pain. Funnily enough, making love to you would ruin any hope we have of your restoration. So let�s keep a lid on our sexual desires shall we. I�m very attracted to you, that�s fine. Let�s just keep out of bed for a while shall we?"

Sharon couldn�t believe her ears. Here she was practically offering herself on a platter and even though he was highly aroused he managed to turn her down. His words swam in her mind, so foreign to any words she had heard before. Men showed their love by taking you to bed, yet Dave said it was more loving if he didn�t. This one fact alone made him different to every man she knew. She respected him for it and it made her heart skip a beat. She wanted this man now. She wanted all of him.

"Do you want another coffee?" Dave asked her carefully studying her reaction to what he had said.

"Yes thank you David, " she smiled.

Dave was shocked. No one called him David. His mother used to call him David. Since his mother had died, he had kept this name as a sort of memorial. No one was encouraged to use David. Not even his closest friends. It was what his mother had always addressed him as and he had preferred to leave it that way, until today. Strangely he felt comfortable with Sharon calling him David. He brushed the thought away, yet it returned. Could Sharon love him one day like his mother did? Could he feel the closeness with Sharon that he had with his mother? Only time would tell...

He returned to the couch and placed a coffee in her hands. He thought about telling her about the name but decided to let it be. " Here you go sweet lady."

"Thanks " Sharon said looking up at him. " It�s a mighty fine taste that you have David. The place in so clean and tidy. I could get used to this you know." She said sipping her coffee. It was a harmless statement; still, both of them knew that underneath it carried an element of truth.

Hours passed and before they knew it was five o�clock. Sharon gave David a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for the afternoon. She exchanged phone numbers and David encouraged her to pop in or phone at any time. She left shortly afterwards with a wave. Her heart had been touched in a very special way, the light of hope shining more brightly.