The story behind the story…
Do you ever find yourself in the movies wiping tears from your eyes
and sniffing, choked up with what seems to be a bottomless reserve of
emotion? Have you ever been reading a novel and found yourself thinking
I wonder if this happened to the author?
I know I cry in the movies, and as a writer I know what it takes to
write real emotion into a passage. It’s simple really. If I’m crying
as I’m writing, I know that some of the readers will be crying as they
read. And I hear you asking what has crying got to do with the inside
story?
Everything. Anyone can write a work of non-fiction. All you do is research,
and write some chapter headings and fill up the gaps on the page. Oh,
if it was that simple? Well, non-fiction is pretty simple. But how do
you write fiction that stirs people, moves them to tears, makes them
scared, or angry, or hopeful? How can you speak in a voice that the
audience can relate?
Well in fiction it’s hard if you haven’t lived it. Fortunately I have.
You could call the eighteen years of my life between molestation and
now, research really. I have slept with up to two hundred prostitutes,
so I guess I was qualified to write about how they feel. I even had
one of them fall in love with me, after she read The Fallen Ones. We
would have married if I could have supported her. She was responsible
for me proving to myself that I was loveable. Chloe told me I was a
genius to write the novel and since her I haven’t felt the need to have
a woman in my life in order to feel loved. She was also the end of my
quest for love, which had started 15 years before. In loving me, a client
she crossed over, and helped me let go of the search for love.
I’m happy to say also, that after me she found a nice guy and left
her life of prostitution. I lost contact of her shortly after this guy
came into her life, as I don’t think he wanted her past in his life.
I can understand that. The novel is dedicated to her for without her
the manuscript would probably still be gathering dust. Chloe was a blessing,
a deeply spiritual girl, and a visionary. But best of all she was my
mate.
At fifteen I was pack raped by four gays. I screamed in agony and fought
to let go. At dinner that night when my father asked me to say Grace,
I almost choked on the word God.
I have taken drugs and abused myself with drinking to the point where
I have lost a couple of days. Although I have never had a shot of heroin,
mainly through my fear of needles, I have had many people in my life
that used the awesome numbing comfort of heroin to ease their inner
pains. For three years in Brisbane I walked past and became good friends
with some street walkers. Often lending them money to get there next
shot on a cold winters night, and running them around in my taxi. I
have had the pleasure of holding one of their children and to know them
in both their working and personal life. I feel very welcome and accepted
by societies down and outs, and I know that they have appreciated my
genuine friendship. I have learnt more wisdom through their eyes then
one could imagine was possible. Oh, and I have met a couple of Prostitutes
on those streets that confessed to being born again Christians. There’s
nothing like accepting a person with all their faults and struggles
with life to bring out some honesty.
I have had people come into my life it seems to purposely take me down.
Noticing a spiritual dimension within me, these people who dealt with
witchcraft have felt the need to stir my spirit up a little. Though
I haven’t had much dealings with these people simply because I have
never sought the dark side out, I have seen success in some of the lives
I have crossed and managed to deliver them from their bondage. I might
add here, that everybody is trying to cope with their lives in the best
way they can. For people whose lifestyle isn’t accepted by the church,
pagan worship and witchcraft seem a very attractive option. And to frank,
black magic can bring more believable results faster to its followers.
Most Satan worshippers see Christians as weak hypocrites with no idea
of the power available to them. And in my experience they would be right
in that evaluation in a lot of instances.
I spent five years in a homosexual lifestyle, as well as being prostitute
addicted. I took love, or lust in any form it took. I wasn’t fussy.
Like the cliché goes; Beggars can’t be choosers. In between sleeping
with men and prostitutes I had quite a few occasions to sleep with other
girls also. But couldn’t I pick them! ; none of them held any answers
for me in the long run.. But what does sex benefit a man when there
is no one there to share true deep and meaningful love with.
Finally at twenty three I was the luckiest man in the world and married
a wonderful girl. The sad thing is that I couldn’t see she was no good
for me. Worse still, her mother had nothing but disdain to share with
her new son in law. At my wedding my father cried. Caught up in the
emotion of the day, these tears would have gone unnoticed. It wasn’t
until a year after my divorce that I showed my father a picture of him
crying at my wedding. I asked him if they were tears of happiness or
sadness. He told me that my wedding day was the saddest day of his life.
My whole family saw the shotgun wedding for what it was. But for a guy
who didn’t love himself, marrying a girl who was carrying what was to
be my future boy, it seemed the right thing to do. Besides that, she
was tremendously good looking to me. But beauty can be skin deep.
When my son was three, my wife gave me my marching orders. This didn’t
sit well with me, but what choice does the family court system in Australia
give a man. Years ago, a wife could only secure a divorce for adultery.
But today she only has to stay away from your bed for a year and it’s
over. I struggled for a long time to come to grips with loosing this
wife of mine. With no divorce in my extended family, this was a new
experience for all of us. My marriage was a co- dependent marriage,
and one that was doomed to fail. I soon learnt that in a book on sexual
abuse. I learnt that there was nothing I could have done to keep her.
We both had to change, but over the past couple of years I have seen
myself overtake her in my personal growth,. My wife was very good at
hiding her real self, but I must admit she has become a more loving
and giving person since we broke up.
The one thing that really tore my heart out was trying to become a
part time father. With a need for love myself, the love my son gave
me was one that only a parent can know. He loved me unconditionally.
There was nothing I had to do to win his love. He just loved me. Not
strings. I couldn’t convince him that I was no good and when I had a
breakdown and I was crying in hospital; I’ll never forget him tapping
me on the back in an embrace and saying to me that everything was going
to be okay.
Only in February 1999, was I told by his mother that he had no need
to see me anymore. She had re-married five months before and changed
my sons last name to her new husbands name, even though I think it is
illegal. It seems that I was the source of all her pain, and she had
to follow the path her mother had taken before her years before. To
see my son again, I would have to pursue the matter in court. It didn’t
matter that she was breaking the law with her refusal to grant the access
I was entitled to. To see him, I’d have to go to court. And I so I let
him go. Not for selfish reasons. And not just to let my ex wife win.
But because his mother was determined to put me in her past, and would
continue to deny access with no regard to the law. I knew this would
hurt my son more, to see me, then not to see me. So I took the advice
Chloe and my father both suggested. And I won’t see my boy until he
seeks me out. And of course it hurts.
I forgive her, and her actions only confirm she hasn’t addressed her
pain of sexual abuse. Her lack of love for herself and insecurities
will effect my son, but I am happy in my knowledge that I have recovered
from a lot worse then he will experience. But for a guy who missed the
love of his father for many years, loosing my own son has been a hard
hurdle to jump. As you can see though, sexual abuse can really steal
away a loving parent from a child who adores him.
Through the divorce and loss off full time fatherhood I have suffered
with chronic depression. It built to a head in a custody battle where
I thought it was quite reasonable to have joint custody. But the mother
in law and my sons mother had other ideas. They decided a campaign of
witchcraft was the tool they should implement.
At the time I asked my church for help. But instead of helping, some
felt the need to try and cast demons out of me. I was having a nervous
breakdown. These church folk had mistaken my moods and behavior for
demon possession. A couple of weeks later I ended up in a psychiatric
ward. Where I was diagnosed manic depressant. I then put The Fallen
Ones manuscript down, for three years as I learnt to gain control of
this new mind of mine. As of writing this, I have been six months drug
free. From time to time I use a natural anti- depressant called St Johns
Wort. It’s fabulous!
There has been four times in my life where I was actively planning
to take my own life. Too those who have felt suicidal, I hope the passages
in The Fallen Ones ring true for you. They are, after all my experiences,
albeit in the voices of my characters. Actually, you’ll find one of
the characters on a bridge, at some time in The Fallen Ones. Writing
this scene was both therapeutic and very hard for me to write.
I can’t say you can ever get over suicide and I don’t feel sorry or
pity for those who have managed to take their own life. I understand
the pain. Personally, I feel suicidal thoughts are easy to come by.
When there is more hope in death, then there is in living, then suicide
is an option.. Don’t think I am saying I believe in taking your own
life I’m not saying that. What I am saying is, I understand those who
do. I love them. I love you too. And, if you ever feel that low, I’d
like you to write me an email okay. I just want to say goodbye and tell
you I love you. Deal?
On the last two occasions I was suicidal the people who saved my life,
did so by accepting and hugging me and saying goodbye. There was no
judgement only a true connection made through unconditional love. They
told me they loved me, but didn’t plead for me to live; rather they
told me it was fun knowing me and that they hoped I could stay around
for a few years to come. They understood I was in pain. They accepted
me and they let me be me. They let me feel what I felt. They didn’t
disagree with me. They didn’t try and talk me around. They believed
I was sad enough to want out of this life and they knew I was serious.
They just hugged me, accepted me, and through this they gave me that
little bit of help I needed to live another day. And sometimes that’s
all you are living for, just one more sunrise.
Yes, this book will be hard for the sexually abused to read. It’s meant
to be. But don’t think it was easy for me to write. How would you feel
to write a character who commits suicide the way you yearn to? How would
you describe sodomy and rape without having felt the mind exploding
pain that it is? You see, behind the story is the story of a male who
has been searching for love in all the wrong places. I slept with two
hundred prostitutes trying to find the reason why I felt like them and
asking them how to help me. I slept with quite a few men, trying to
find masculinity and hoping they could help me. I spent years in church
looking for a love off people that I never could feel. I spent hours
on my knees begging God to help. I’ve had days where I didn’t see the
daylight and nights where I didn’t know where I was. I’ve had a wife
cheat on me, leave me and take my boy away from me.
But I have lived it. There are only a few things that happen in the
novel that I haven’t done. I haven’t abused a child as a pedophile,
but I know if I read a lot of pornography and concentrated hard enough
when I was sick, I may of. The reason I know this? Because I felt feelings
drawing it out in me. And they disgusted me. So I found out why they
abuse and put it in the novel.
I haven’t killed anybody like the serial killer in the novel. I have
thought about it. In fact as of writing this article here, six girls
have read it. All have been abused. Three didn’t feel safe in a room
with me after they had read it. I took that as a compliment to my writing
skill. But we all knew it was deeper then that. I could kill and they
knew I could. But I chose not to kill and I won’t now I am healed. But
I know how pornography and books like true crime and forensics can wet
your appetite. I wrote a twenty-chapter killer, just to feel the rush
of it. And I may publish that one .You want to write non-fiction about
killing. Forget it. You can only get into a mind of a killer if you
get that killer in your mind. Ask the true professionals in the FBI.
What about being gay? Well I was only bi-sexual but I almost crossed
over. Did you know 92% of guys Exodus International have worked with,
said that if they felt love and a connection with their father they
would feel no need to be gay. I have been sodomised. I have been raped,
used and abused. And in the gay lifestyle I didn’t feel loved. Now that
isn’t to say I am judging them. As a Christian, I don’t think we were
designed to do that. But we weren’t designed to live in church and be
holy and pray and come home to have sex with our children. When the
church gets their act together, then they can judge you. I’m not here
to judge. Hey stay gay. I have many friends who are happy and loved
in those relationships. Some of them are a lot more successful as gay
couples then the majority of heterosexual relationships.
And while I’m bashing the church. Let me add this fact of statistics.
Abuse in the church is just as high as abuse out of the church. And
I’m not going to prove it here. I read it in research. I have met many
gays and prostitutes and drug users who have had ministers and good
church folk molest them. There is just as much wife abuse in the church
and physical and emotional abuse. I know all about it
If you are in church, and those statements have upset you; think about
how a gay would feel in your church. Would you let a gay attend your
church with his boyfriend?. You let child abusers fellowship with you.
But as longs as everyone is quite bout it, that’s okay isn’t it? How
would you feel if a minister was preaching on being pure and clean and
you slept with a prostitute the night before? I’ve heard another figure.
It said 95% of gays know they are supposed to go to hell. And do you
know they’ll choose that over going to church? Do you know how hard
it is to accept church and the message when they are rejecting you and
they are telling what you can’t do without loving you?
Romans 3: 23 says for all have sinned and fallen
short of the glory of God
Where does The Fallen Ones come from? All have fallen over.
I fell over, and finally I got up. It’s taken five hard years work from
when my wife left me to now. This novel, I wrote helped me, and your
comments will make me smile. And if your local church won’t let you
in until you stop sinning; I’m making a web site where you can visit
without giving it up. So are we in agreement? I won’t judge you. I won’t
preach. I’ll just provide a place where you can feel welcome. And you
feel free to email me any time you like.
Oh, I’ve worked for a pimp also. I have been security for a prostitute.
I don’t look down on them. I know one that earns three grand a week.
So when you feel sorry for her and want to help her, take the time to
understand her. Yes I want to offer hope to the prostitutes. I love
them. They are so much like I was. But the best thing I have done for
them is publishing this novel.
Now any person who reads this novel will be able to understand a prostitute.
And when I write a few non-fiction chapters from Sharon’s prospective,
the prostitute in my novel that will help also. Don’t judge the prostitute.
Take the time to understand them. If you think you can help, have a
look at how her job makes her feel worthy.
I could have written a book on how to heal yourself. But in 1995 that
would have been your classical well-researched book to add to the pile
of psychology healing books. I could have written an account of my life,
but who would be interested in that? So because I have always wanted
to write a story, I used the healing of the written word to pull me
up and out of the state I was in. And the novel you read now, I hope
has more understandable answers in it then any work of non-fiction.
Today
I love myself
There is a way to get up. There is a way you can heal yourself. I am
pleased to be able to say, I have only attended two counseling sessions
in my complete recovery. I was healed slowly, by forgiving all my abusers
and grew spiritually through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
I encourage all of you on a path of healing and those who don’t know
Him to check Him out.
This web site will include resources and I hope to have my own story
of healing up on here as soon as it is written. Each chapter will include
a step I went through. Some of them will be written by Sharon, the Prostitute,
and some by Dave, another character in The Fallen Ones. When they have
sorted out what they want to write, I’ll pick up the rest.
Yes; they are real characters. Well, they are real enough to me. As
the author, I know now why others write sequels. You always wish to
revive your characters and you miss them like good friends. So. Yes
Sharon and Dave will be back and like this novel, their writings will
be free to down load.
I am totally healed. I love myself. I have real purpose and a reason
to live. I’d love to share that hope with anyone who’d like to ask and
will do it on a one to one basis, for no charge at all. Come on take
me up. And continue to come back to this site and make yourself known
to others as the facilities become available.
If
you enjoy The Fallen Ones…..
there’s more good news
Send The Fallen Ones to
a friend
If you have enjoyed reading The Fallen Ones, you may want to send a
copy to a friend. Well that’s easy! Just download the pdf version on
the website and email it as an attachement to as many friends you choose.
It’s a great ice breaker for those friends of yours who are struggling
with abuse in their past. Once you have read it, you’ll know who to
send it too. If they enjoy it, they may come to this site and purchase
it in the future. I know I’d like a copy sent to me. If they aren’t
online, then copy it onto a disk and give it to them. Your only limit,
to how many copies you can give away or send by email is how many names
and addresses you can think of. Oh, and if you think a local reporter
for you paper or radio would like a copy, or would learn from it, send
them one with my blessing.
If you have a web site…put
this book on your site for FREE download
If you have a web site please feel free to put the book on your site.
Or, if you know someone who has a site that would benefit from my novel,
please email this book to them. If you have any questions, or they have
any, just email me. Remember, there are close to 1 billion people in
our world who have been sexually abused. This book may help thousands
of them move toward getting help. The book is free in PDF format, for
anyone to read. I’d rather a person read this book, and receive no money
from them, then have people miss out.
It’s cheaper to purchase
then to print out
At two hundred and eighty pages, the book will take two thirds of a
ream of paper and use up a lot of your ink. Of course then you will
have to bind it. I give everyone permission to do this, of course. But
it would be cheaper to purchase the book when it becomes available in
mid November.
How to order The Fallen
Ones
I hope to have a published version of the novel available in mid November.
You may notice errors in the copy you download. All of the editing will
be finished by then and the front and back cover layouts will be ready.
Of course there’s also the money that’s needed to publish it.
Until November though, I will be accepting orders via email. Just click
on contact author and leave your details and email address.. The book
will cost $15.00 Australian, or $10.00 American. It will be available
for order off my own site, or if your prefer at Amazon.
Just email your order. You can keep your money until it is ready for
shipping. When it’s published I will email you to tell you it is ready.
Signed editions
Any person who wishes for their book to be autographed, will have their
wish granted. On our order page, you will be able to write the name
of the person you want the book for and a brief message you wish to
appear (e.g. For Mary. Hope you love this book, A gift from John.
Best regards Matthew Payne, Author.)
My vision for www.fallenones.com
I hope to build a web site that is like no other. Every week the new
site will be becoming newer. I want to create a safe haven for the abused
to come and visit. I hope to invite everyone form all walks of life
to visit regularly.
How you can contribute
The site will include many articles, poems, short stories, personal
accounts, personal stories of shame, stories of hope, inspirational
writings, resources of books and writings. I hope people will want to
join me in using the site to publish on line and even sell their books
on line. If you have any material you want to share or anything you
wish to contribute, you are more then welcome to contribute.
I have found the written word a fantastic vehicle in the healing process
and its often others thoughts and experiences that have helped me heal.
As The Fallen Ones site will have full transactional facilities any
of your works can be published in a short run and sold on the site.
I hope to collect some names of Ghost writers who can pen your stories
also, if you aren’t a gifted writer.
There will be chat channels, bulletin boards, email support and counseling.
There will be email broadcasts of inspirational writings. Every day
at the site will be different. I will publish a schedule of when I will
participate on chat, so as any person wishing to ask any questions will
be able to.
There will one day, be a singles page, where singles can join and interact.
And the vision is growing.
The Vision includes you
Whether you want to just visit the web site and enjoy each visit or
you want to contribute in other ways we need you to participate. If
you are a writer, or can contribute, time, resources, content, or just
some helpful advice, we want to hear from you. If you don’t know how
you can help, just email us and we’ll give you a job.
Every day this site will grow and every day we hope more people feel
welcome. I encourage you to download The Fallen Ones if you haven’t
a copy. I urge you to contact me any time you wish and I pray that your
healing process continues each and every day you visit us..
Donations or sponsorship
If you wish to help publish The Fallen Ones, one way to help me get
the message out is by way of a pledge. This means any money received
from you, can purchase copies of The Fallen Ones that can be given away
to people in need.
As a Christian myself, I encourage others to consider this witness.
The Fallen Ones will be a treasured possession for any person who receives
it, and for the giver, it may be especially rewarding to have a reader
email you with thanks. This novel wasn’t written for a financial reward
and you can bet all money received by myself will be re-directed into
helping those in need. If I wanted to earn heaps of cash, I would be
working in partnership with my brother who has created this web site
in his spare time.
Buy two books and we’ll
pledge one for you
That’s right. If you buy two books, you can have one personally autographed
for yourself, one sent to a friend, and we’ll keep one to send to a
stranger on your behalf. The profit from your two books will pay for
the third and we’ll be paying the shipping. The message of The Fallen
Ones is needed by the seriously abused and yet sometimes these people
can’t afford it.
Food vans
If you or people you know are involved in a food van ministry where
you feed the homeless you can ask us for pledged books that we have
on hand. This book is perfect for the homeless and will be treasured.
Your staff can sign the book and I’ll make sure I write the message
you request( e.g. This book comes with love from- City Street Beat,
May this book give you hope, Signed Matthew Payne, the author)
Churches with street kid
ministries or prison ministries
If you have any ministry for the abused, please contact me for pledged
copies of The Fallen Ones. Or if you want The Fallen Ones in quantity
you may want to publish your own edition. I would welcome this, and
it would save you a bundle in shipping it from Australia. Please email
me if this is an option you’d like to take up. You could possibly just
pay me a token royalty, say 50 cents a book. But anything can be done.
Easy to read for outreach
The Fallen Ones has been written in easy to understand English. It’s
no good writing a novel that can’t be understood by the people on the
streets. For this reason I made sure the book would be able to be read
by someone who had gone to fifth grade in primary school. Most people
on the streets haven’t finished school and therefore the book has addressed
that problem. Within the year and audio version will be available for
those who can’t read at all.
In closing
I hope The Fallen Ones touches your heart. I hope your tears bring
healing and my support site provides the refuge you seek. I pray that
your journey will be enjoyable and one day and your recovery complete
and I hope to meet every one of you on the live chat feature on my site
when it is developed. If anyone wishes to abuse me, please contact me
also. It is only by sharing our true feelings that we find release,
and so I encourage those responses too.
Please pass the novel around and don’t you ever hesitate in contacting
me. My prayers go with you.
All my love,
Matthew Payne
Author
.
